Can somebody please tell me the quick, simple and hassle-free way to obtain a US/ UK VISA?

Alright, I understand that you’re the greatest country in the world and you’re doing me a favour letting me in to check it out, but must the process be so stressful? Really?
I have a major meeting tomorrow morning to let the higher-ups know what we’ve been up to this semester as far as the EWB project is concerned…I have a feeling that they’re not going to be too happy that we’re not doing a bio-digester…oh well…can’t please everybody! After that I have my UK visa interview (I only picked up my passport today so please don’t say “Rhea, you’re cutting it very close hey!” because I’ve heard that about a hundred times already!)
I’m super busy since its crunch time with exams and I’ve done hardly any work due to everything constantly going wrong with the trip. But here is where its going to all turn around! I have decided that from this very moment, all will run perfectly smoothly. Well, it’s on the internet now so it has to! Wish me luck for the coming MOUNTAIN I have to climb before flying swiftly away to the green pastures and flowing waters of * AMERICA*. Oh my, that is quite cheesy isn’t it?